Marriage is Easy

. . . we just make it extremely difficult when approached with our own individual agendas. I’m writing this on December 18, 2024. Today marks 25 years since my wife, Amy and I said, “I do.” In reality, for her it was probably more like, “He’ll do.” Whatever her motivation, I’m humbled that she chose me. What follows is not written from a posture of arrogance. It might feel like that as you read. We don’t have a perfect marriage. What we have is a marriage that works. It’s a healthy marriage marked with intended humility, patience, sacrifice, intentionality, and of course always a little bit of mess!

“Wait,” you might be thinking, “you haven’t mentioned love.”

In my over 20 years of pastoring, I’ve found myself invited into more struggling marriages than I can count. More than simply not struggling, they were marked by hurt, selfishness, arrogance, chaos, and an extreme lack of hope. Some of them did not make it. Some of them did. What follows are some observable principals that, over and over again, were characteristic of intentional changes in posture, which led to struggling marriages that went from gasping for air, to surviving, and then to thriving.

You might find yourself in a marriage that feels more like you’re standing on the tilting deck of the sinking Titanic than it does a hammock on the beach.

Or maybe your marriage is “fine,” but you didn’t get to where you’re at for it to only be “fine.” You want a marriage that is thriving.

Or perhaps you are very close—maybe even related—to someone else whose marriage is struggling.

Whatever your situation, can I tell you that there is hope? It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it. What follows will not be comfortable. It won’t be neat and tidy. You’ll read some parts and disagree. You’ll read some and be offended. Don’t stop reading. Hope requires a significant level of faith, even faith that perhaps God could change the current situation if we’d just ask him to do so and then take responsibility for our part.

Read the following reflections knowing they aren’t the end-all. They come from a place of deep care and concern, but also from a deep well of experience that has learned years of chaos, pain, and anxiety don’t get fixed—they get delt with. It’s time to fight for your marriage, and fighting isn’t pretty. It isn’t comfortable. I honestly don’t care about your comfort, and I don’t believe God does either. God desires commitment to His ways over your comfort. Trust me, it’s worth it.

These are in no particular order and they certainly don’t encompass all that is needed for a healthy, thriving marriage. Here we go.

Too many couples invest in their wedding, but not in their marriage.
I’ve officiated and attended weddings where thousands of dollars have been spent on a ceremony and after-party, which lasted a combined 8 hours or less. Months and months are spent painstakingly planning every detail and stressing over the desire to “have everything right.” Yet, not much time—if any—is spent on investing in the actual marriage that is intended to last the rest of our lives. Husbands and wives, it’s time to invest in our marriages. It takes time. It takes getting help sometimes. It sometimes requires money. It always requires sacrificing our own agenda for the sake of peace, health, and flourishing. How will you invest in your marriage

Too many marriages are sabotaged by outside influences.
If you aren’t the husband or the wife, stay out of it. If you are the husband or wife, quit inviting others into the chaos simply to get others on your side. You justify it as “I’m just venting” or “I talk to my mom about everything.” Ephesians 5:31 reminds us that, “a man will leave his father and mother and be united with his wife, and the two will become one flesh” (NIV). That “leaving” is not just a physical leaving of the house. To “leave” is to come out from under the influence of your parents and move into a realm where unification with your spouse is now your top agenda item, after your relationship with Christ. If you haven’t truly tried to invest in communication with your spouse before seeking “help” from your family or friends, then you are only seeking validation for yourself. Your best first step in seeking outside help is to find a neutral party whom you trust to give you non-partial wisdom and support. What step will you take to find a non-partial individual to help?

If you are a parent whose child’s marriage is on the rocks, you likely don’t possess the neutrality necessary to truly help your child. Remember, your child is now “one” with another through marriage. Do you truly believe that, or does that only apply when things are going your child’s way or when your child marries the person you think they should have married? I’m not advocating that you not support your child, but be careful that the support you are offering is to help them find their responsibility in the situation and not just to affirm their biased agenda. If you truly want to stop progress then go ahead and affirm a faulty agenda. If they are truly “one flesh” then you will do everything you can to support the marriage instead of creating more chaos. How will you encourage your child or your friend to take responsibility instead of affirming their agenda?

It’s not about YOUR needs, it’s about OUR needs.
I hear way too often from one spouse or the other that “I’m just not happy,” or “my needs aren’t being met.” This is a real thing. We each should be fulfilled in our marriage. However, our priority in marriage should be to meet the needs of our spouse BEFORE focusing on our own needs. This goes against all common sense and against all culturally-influenced ways of thinking. But the way of Jesus is to put others’ needs first. Now, I’m certainly not advocating for anyone to be a doormat. There are situations where narcissism, selfishness, and blatant sin will sabotage nearly any hope of restoration. This is a sad reality, but human free will can have a disastrous outcome.

I’ve seen multiple marriages healed because one spouse said, “enough is enough” when it comes to ending what Emmerson Eggerichs calls the “Crazy Cycle.” In his book, Love and Respect (2004), Eggerichs details the reality of how pride often weasels its way into our relationships: One person needs something from the other (love), but when they don’t get it they in turn don’t give the other person what they need (respect). That other person doesn’t get respect, so they in turn don’t show love. And the crazy cycle turns and turns. At some point someone has to swallow their pride and say, “enough is enough!” Remember, a healthy marriage—or even just an argument for that matter—should never be about one or the other winning. When winning is the goal, then the relationship has already lost.

The opposite is true of that crazy cycle. If one person will just swallow their pride and start meeting the needs of their spouse, the other spouse will often naturally want to also meet the deepest needs of the other. Now that’s a cycle worth repeating! It will likely require much patience, but the hope experienced from simply changing behavioral habits has the potential to be just the fuel needed to see exponential progress. How are you putting your spouse’s needs ahead of your own?

Love is a choice.
The romantics don’t like to hear this, but there is no magnetic field that magically brings two souls together for unending marital bliss. There is also no relationship in the history of the world where both individuals “felt” constant, unending love. We each have a choice in who we love and how we choose to love them. Now, I do believe God brings couples together. I also believe in free will and the inability of human beings to always make the right choice—even in a spouse. However, this does not in any way absolve us from the responsibility of keeping that commitment to permanence we made before God and before others. There will be days when you don’t “feel” love for your spouse. If you truly read scripture in its broadest, overarching context, you will see that love was never intended to be a feeling, and attraction has very little to do with love, other than creating an awareness of another whom we might choose to love at some point. In fact, love is always a decision to act. It’s in response to God’s love for us and in response to His call to love Him and others. The agape love God calls us to is defined as “a decision of the will to do what’s best for the other person.” This is the type of love God calls us to over and over in Scripture, and nothing about the marriage relationship changes that. The best choices aren’t the ones that feel the best, but the ones that have the right outcome. How are you choosing to love your spouse?

 

My marriage isn’t perfect. In fact, I’ve failed mightily at many of the very things I mention above. If you are having marriage struggles you are not alone, you are not weak, and your marriage is NOT too far gone. Your marriage is worth fighting for. Your marriage is worth investing in. What will you do from here? If I can be of any help I would be humbled by the opportunity to talk with you and see how God wants to heal your marriage. Don’t wait. It’s not going to get better by just hoping things change—you take that step. Your marriage is worth it. You are worth it.

Email Pastor Robby

Jesus and Politics

Jesus and Politics

In the New Testament, the Jews were split into four parties, four mindsets for handling the Jewish faith in their context. And, because their faith was tied to monarchy and nationalism, it’s not a stretch to call them four political parties. Take a look at them with me.

The Pharisees and Sadducees were the two big ones. They both held lots of political power and social clout. They both had members of their group in the Sanhedrin (a supreme court).

  1. The Sadducees were a little more conservative than the Pharisees, and they didn’t always get along. But they had to work together to perpetuate the Jewish nation and faith. This group was a little more complacent with the Roman government who ruled their people and land, as long as that government allowed them continued control over the temple.
  2. The Pharisees also wanted control over the temple, andwere very focused on the legal aspects of the faith. They were less inclined to play ball with the Romans, though.
  3. The Essenes, the third group, weren’t as large or influential as the first two, but still had impressive numbers. They were pious, living in community with one another, choosing voluntary poverty and celibacy. They mostly avoided conflict with the ruling Romans, more or less gladto just be left alone. Complacent.
  4. The final group, the Zealots, were the opposite. They were bent on upheaval and violent overthrow of their Roman oppressors.

So here are your four political groups in Jesus’s day. Everybody thought they had the lock on how the Jewish nation was to be run. Do you see any modern parallels to political groups in our own context?

Ok. Now take a deep breath. Then Jesus came.

Like the Sadducees, Jesus cared about the temple. But, they were caught off guard when he said, “Destroy this temple, and in three days I will raise it.” (John 2:19). He was talking about himself. His interpretation of the temple was very different than theirs. 

Like the Pharisees, he was committed to the Law and the Prophets. But look out. “I have not come to abolish them, but to fulfill them.” (Matthew 5:17). His interpretation of the law was very different than theirs.

The Essenes avoided conflict, but Jesus turned heads addressing leaders, authorities, and the ruling class. Conflict followed himeverywhere he went, and he knew what he was saying would stir up trouble. His interpretation of peace was very different than theirs.

The Zealots wanted war, but Jesus spent his time peacefully healing and forgiving. He even healed in the homes of Romans leaders. He replaced an ear cut off in his name. He forgave the soldiers who swung the hammers at the cross. His interpretation of conflict was very different than theirs. 

Every political party, focused on their own agendas, own versions of nationalism, and own perpetuation of ideals, was subverted by Jesus’s life and teaching.

The way of the kingdom was not the way of any political party when Jesus walked among them.

The way of the kingdom is not the way of any political party today.

I urge you, Christian, to not make the same mistakes as the groups mentioned here. Consider kingdom ethics. Consider kingdom identity. Consider how they may impact your choices, affiliations, and politics.

A prayer:

Lord, guide your people from life lived strictly between the party lines to life lived fully in the kingdom.

Email Pastor Kyle

Jesus and Politics

More Perspective on Perspective

I think that Pastor Robby’s message Sunday on Perspective hit the mark for a lot of us yesterday. (If you missed it, you can watch the service HERE.) It is all too easy to miss the opportunities God has placed right in front of us because we get locked into our current circumstances and our feelings, and we fail to open our eyes to see that our current situation might be just where God wants us to be.

Social media doesn’t necessarily help us to see God’s perspective either. Sure, social media is a great way to connect with old friends, to find interesting recipes, and watch cute cat videos. At the same time, it can really distort our perspective:

    • Seeing someone bragging about their promotion and raise can distort the perspective of the person in a job they don’t like and for which they have not received a raise in a long time.
    • Posts from friends celebrating their kids’ accomplishments can be hard for those whose kids are really struggling.
    • Those great vacation pictures from your friend’s exotic vacation can be a hard reminder that you haven’t had a vacation in a while–and it doesn’t look like there will be a vacation this year either.

Skewed perspectives manipulated by social media get our eyes off what God is doing, and can easily mire us in sins like jealousy, lust, and covetousness, just to name a few.

At the same time, social media also affects our priorities. A 2024 study found that internet users worldwide average 143 minutes daily viewing social media. (Americans are slightly below average in this category, coming in at only 136 minutes per day.) To put that in context, a Lifeway Research study found that only about a third of Americans who attend a Protestant church read their Bible daily, and another study found that the average time those believers spent in Bible study was around 15 minutes. Is it any wonder we have trouble seeing our situations from God’s perspective?

Skewed perspectives manipulated by social media get our eyes off what God is doing.

I’m preaching to myself here too. It is so much easier to sit and watch reel after reel than it is to read the Bible, or even to spend quality time with loved ones.

So, what can we do? I know some people who have given up social media altogether, and some who have taken extended breaks. If that sounds too extreme, try what I did: it is pretty easy to set controls on your phone that will limit the amount of time you spend on social media. Here are links to instructions for Android users and for iPhone users.

Maybe a little less time spent on social media might reduce the background noise just enough that we will be able to hear what God is saying to us and would help us gain his perspective for our situations.

–Stephen Case

Peaceful Purpose

Peaceful Purpose

On Sunday, Pastor Robby preached about peace. One quote of his in particular got my wheels spinning. “Peace is not the absence of chaos but the presence of purpose.”

The presence of purpose.

In pastoral ministry we talk a lot about being a “non-anxious” presence. Pastors are often called into anxious situations. Emergency rooms. Surgery waiting rooms. Financial hardships. Family emergencies. Domestic issues. Homelessness. We find ourselves around anxiousness a lot. One of our jobs, in those situations, is to be a presence in the room that doesn’t add to the angst. A presence that offers comfort, nearness, and understanding.

A presence of purpose doesn’t mean we necessarily know exactly why we’re in a certain situation, but we know we have a God-given, God-driven purpose for being there. I’m not just talking about pastors, now. I’m talking about all of us. Sometimes we may have an acute recognition of the reason we are where we are, doing what we’re doing, called to the moment. Other times, the world is on fire all around us and we have no idea why we’re there or what we’re supposed to do.

Skewed perspectives manipulated by social media get our eyes off what God is doing.

But God’s purpose is steadfast. And it always involves peace.

Peace is a fruit of the indwelling of the Holy Spirit. When we are allowing God to fill us and use us for His intention, peace will always be a part of the equation. And it will take different shapes.

Peaceful presence – Psalm 112 says, “Surely the righteous will never be shaken; they will be remembered forever. They will have no fear of bad news; their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord.” Perhaps you are called into your current situation with the purpose of peaceful presence. You will be a beacon of trust. An agent of steadfast endurance. While your friends or family are in a time of struggle, you will not fear, for the Lord is with you. Your peaceful presence will be such an important part of the story!

Peacemaking – Matthew 5 says, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.” Peacemaking does not assume the absence of conflict, but the ability to seek unity and purpose in the midst of conflict. Sometimes, if we’re being real, peacemaking means upsetting the current situation in order to bring overall health. Sometimes we try to be peacekeepers, which has its place. But when it becomes suppressing the truth in order to avoid rocking the boat, no one wins. After all, conflict delayed is conflict amplified.

Peacemaking also calls for action. For those whose lives are full of unrest, chaos, hopelessness, the peacemakers step in. They bring with them aid, justice, and good news. Peacemaking is courageous and purposeful.

Friends, may you be led in discerning purpose in your journey with peace this Advent season. If you’re called to be the peaceful, non-anxious presence in the midst of the chaos with family, friends, or co-workers, may it be so. If you’re called to active peacemaking, stepping in to do hard things like have a necessary conversation or actively seek solutions for struggling neighbors, may it be so.

And if you’re the one desperately in need of a peaceful presence or a peacemaker this season, may the Lord lead the right person headlong into your story. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to us.

May the peace of Christ not only fill us, but be living and active in us as we seek the face of the Prince of Peace.

Email Pastor Kyle

Pray

Pray

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. -Psalm 34:18

We are grieving over the conflict and loss of life in Israel in these past days. The brokenness and violence of sin is on full display for the world to see. As pastors, we have struggled with our response. We are not without our personal feelings on the matter, but we also recognize that our voices represent a church, and this church is made of people with all sorts of opinions and perspectives.

Ours is not a call to espouse any political sentiments. Ours is a call to Christlikeness in all things. We don’t always get it right, but we are genuinely seeking this way of life. So, before we go any further, we recognize whomever is reading this might have very strong feelings one way or another about what’s going on in Israel. So do we. We’ll express some of them below. But let’s consider two important ideas before we continue.

  1. Russell Moore, the editor of Christianity Today, once said, “If God’s way upsets our political alliances, let’s crucify our political alliances.” In other words, we must first be seeking Jesus – God-in-flesh – and his way forward. If our political ideals become the lens through which we see our faith, rather than the other way around, we have created an idol and must repent.
  2. John Wesley said, “Though we cannot think alike, may we not love alike? May we not be of one heart, though we are not of one opinion?” This is just a reminder that our Christian love for one another must also outweigh our ideals about the way the world should work. If we are all faithfully and actively seeking Jesus, the Spirit will lead us to wisdom.

Every single person on earth is a bearer of God’s image (Genesis 1:27). Therefore, as Christians, our call is to life, not death. Celebrating death of any sort is celebrating the brokenness of sin realized in the world. After all, death is a result of sin’s existence (Romans 6:23).

So how do we think about and respond to the terrorist acts and the ongoing conflict? What can we do as Christians across the ocean?

First, prayer. We can and must pray. It’s our first call to action. We must pray that God’s will be done. We must pray for the loss of life to end. The Eurasia Region of the Church of the Nazarene offered this prayer for the Holy Land:

Gracious God, we pray for all living in Israel and Palestine, recognizing your love for all people. We pray for peace and comfort for all those who are suffering. Lord, in your mercy, hear our prayer.

Second, peacemaking. Our call is not simply to be peacekeepers, but peacemakers (Matthew 5:9). Peacekeepers don’t rock the boat. They maintain the status quo. Peacemakers call out violence and stand up for the marginalized: the sick, the widow, the prisoner, the orphan, the stranger, the naked, the hungry. Peacemakers seek the peace of Christ in their own lives, and seek to offer the peace of Christ to the world around them. Our active pursuit of peace may only be local and present, but its effects can be global and generational.

Third, talk about it. At least in your homes and with your families, have a conversation. If you have kids or teenagers, chances are they are hearing about this conflict. The hashtag #Israel has over 30 billion views on TikTok as of this writing. That’s billion, with a B. Our kids are certainly more likely to get their news from social media than Google. Videos are easily edited and given captions to support agendas, and our kids don’t necessarily have the filters in place to seek discernment as image after image is sent their way. So, please, have a conversation about it. If you don’t know a ton about what’s going on, you could learn together. Start with something like, “So, what have you heard about what’s going on in Israel?” Talk about it. Do research together if they’re interested in learning more. Then, pray the prayer above together.

To be very clear, we stand in complete opposition to the Hamas terrorist attacks on Israel. These acts have brought pain and suffering to so many families. We also lament all callus violence aimed at bearers of God’s image.

May we, as Christians, not get caught up in the politicization of violence and war, but rather actively seek peace. Peace through prayer. Peace through our actions. May the way of Christ be evident to us. And may the love of Christ be evident in us.

Pastor Robby and Pastor Kyle

Jesus Is Lord – A General Assembly Recap

Jesus Is Lord – A General Assembly Recap

Last week I had the privilege of attending the 30th annual Nazarene General Assembly. This is a quadrennial gathering of Nazarenes from across the globe. Our denomination is split into 6 world regions – Asia-Pacific, Eurasia, MesoAmerica, South America, USA/Canada, and Africa. Within those regions are hundreds of districts. Each district elects representatives from four ministries to attend General Assembly and represent their interests and passions.

These four ministry areas are:

NDI – Nazarene Discipleship International
NYI – Nazarene Youth International
NMI – Nazarene Missions International
Assembly – Legislative committee

Menda and I were district delegates to NDI. We were blessed to get to partner with discipleship leaders from around the world. We engaged in encouraging plenary sessions, inspiring worship, and deeply challenging and profound workshops regarding our Wesleyan theology, heritage, and discipleship methods.

We also had the opportunity to take our girls. They have traveled with us to every General Assembly since they were born. It moved me to tears to recognize their connection with the global church and understand a little better the worldwide story that’s being told. We’re so glad they are a part of it!

Each day we gathered as a whole assembly for worship. The largest service was Sunday morning, when nearly 17,000 Nazarenes were on site! Each of our General Superintendents, the highest office held in our denomination, preached one service. A worship team was assembled from leaders around the world, capable of leading in multiple languages and calling us to lift our voices as one to declare Jesus is Lord. A new song was written for the occasion. You can listen to it here.

One of the primary roles of our Assembly (legislative) gathering was to elect two new General Superintendents. Two are retiring this summer. Significant work was done to consider who might be well-equipped, but more importantly, the Holy Spirit was earnestly sought to lead us to the right leaders for this time.

Ultimately, two new leaders were chosen to join the ranks of our other four generals. From left to right:

Christian Sarmiento (previously the Regional Director for South America)
T. Scott Daniels (previously the Senior Pastor at Nampa, ID College Church)
Carla Sunberg (previously Nazarene Theological Seminary president)
Fili Chambo (previously the Regional Director of Africa)
Gustavo Crocker (previously the Regional Director of Eurasia)
David Busic (previously the Nazarene Theological Seminary president)

We’re thankful for these good and faithful leaders. They are humble in spirit and they care deeply about the call of the church to go and make disciples.

Ultimately, our seven days in Indianapolis was lifegiving. It’s good for a global church to make time and space to gather under one roof to be reminded of their unity and common mission. If you have any more questions for me concerning this gathering, I’m happy to answer them! I’m thankful for General Assembly.

Email Pastor Kyle